Parental alienation syndrome disguises itself in many different ways. What could be a young boy just growing up, can turn into a comparison to the "ex" by the mother. I recently had a friend of mine at work talking about her 14 year old son was not following her direction. She didn't understand the fact that he was 14 and could possibly be rebelling. I listened to her discuss the fight they had and how important it was for her to transfer closer to home so she could control him. He is as stupid as "his father". She actually told him that, and compared her son to the "ex". Wow, my heart was broken for her son. No matter how bad your "ex" is to you, your child will love them as much as they love you. You see, all the kids see is a "parent". After all, they couldn't be that bad since you married them, stayed with them long enough to have a child. (the kid you're comparing them to!)
Mom/Dad whoever is reading this. Please don't bash the other in front of your children. Take the higher road and never slam the "ex". No matter how tempting it can be. In the heat of the moment, stop, breathe and deal with the problem at hand. It could be a simple teenage season in your life. How I wish to have one more day with Amy to deal with "teenage rebellion".
Things to think about:
Chose your words wisely, think before you speak.
Never compare your child to your negative "ex". Only share the positive attributes. (Try to find at least one!)
Be there for your kid. Dig into the details of their day. It will mean so much if you just hear their fears, don't volunteer solutions, just hear them. A solid-loving time to share will mean the world to them. Once you hear them out, they'll ask for your advice. Most rebellion is a test for you mom/dad. You can pass it if you're ahead of the game.
Love to the kids and step-kids........
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Happy Birthday Amy!
Happy 24th Birthday Amy! If you were still here, how would we celebrate! God has laid you on my heart daily and reminds me how mean the world can be. But the LORD will overcome it all! We've had a tough day remembering and wondering how it could have been. Most of all, we know what God has allowed in our lives and can't wait to see you on the other side.
This Blog will be updated with new information as I'm on a mission to educate and help others.
This Blog will be updated with new information as I'm on a mission to educate and help others.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Wow, looking at this blog it's hard to believe all these months have passed by. A lot has happened since January. I won't go into the details but it has been a year where we've depended on God to carry us through.
Today is the sixth anniversary of my father's unexpected death. Reflecting on this date, I remembered how much he loved Amy. Even though Amy was a "step-granddaughter" he adored her as much as Taylor and Megan. I remember telling him when we lost custody of Amy & Nathan because of PAS, he cried. He couldn't believe lies would win. He was heartbroken that he would not be able to see her. What was worse, is he never saw her again.
Being a blended family, my encouragement to you is to never separate the families. The new family should be the unit in both extended families. Just because the "blood" relationship isn't there, the "God" relationship is woven in all of the lives. I'm so grateful that our children have survived PAS and are quick to encourage others going through the same situations.
I'm forever grateful for a God who carries me through the darkest days and rejoices with me on the brightest. Seeing all of our kids together as adults, laughing about the fun we used to have when they were "kids" would make my dad so proud. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Today is the sixth anniversary of my father's unexpected death. Reflecting on this date, I remembered how much he loved Amy. Even though Amy was a "step-granddaughter" he adored her as much as Taylor and Megan. I remember telling him when we lost custody of Amy & Nathan because of PAS, he cried. He couldn't believe lies would win. He was heartbroken that he would not be able to see her. What was worse, is he never saw her again.
Being a blended family, my encouragement to you is to never separate the families. The new family should be the unit in both extended families. Just because the "blood" relationship isn't there, the "God" relationship is woven in all of the lives. I'm so grateful that our children have survived PAS and are quick to encourage others going through the same situations.
I'm forever grateful for a God who carries me through the darkest days and rejoices with me on the brightest. Seeing all of our kids together as adults, laughing about the fun we used to have when they were "kids" would make my dad so proud. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
John 1:1: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
If the Word was God, than how can the plural sense, “words” be so harmful? Do we sometimes forget?
During the beginning stages of our custody battle, words were used often and flippantly. Many words that would come back into our home were shocking and laced with pain. Knowing that the children had been coached, we learned to pray through the comments and lean on God’s direction. Even as innocent as some comments may be, the children in the midst of being transformed to alienate, would remain loyal and attack us with the words. As Godly parents, it was our responsibility to get the children back on the right track. We defined the time as a “detox period”. Slowly giving them time to readjust back into our home. Below is a short list of the "word battles" during the readjustment time:
You don’t have to listen to them; they’re not your real parents.
You're not going to have fun over there, I don't know why you even want to go.
That’s not home, this is your home. You just visit over there.
He doesn't really love you anymore; he only comes to visit you because the courts force him to spend time with you. He only loves his new family.
The minute you get over there call me. I want to know you’re safe!
You better tell me everything they said about me.
I can’t buy that for you, your dad doesn’t give me any money.
He doesn’t care about you or us.
You’re so stupid to believe they care about you.
I hate you…you act just like your dad!
Our detox time was difficult. Often the grandparents on the other side alienated them as well. With the kids returning home, you could see the confusion as they had a strong sense of trust with the grandparents. "Mee Maw and Pee Paw used to love you daddy, why do they tell me you don't love me anymore?" "Daddy, why do I have to call you Mark now ?" With the entire extended family joining in on PAS, Amy never could adjust. The retching pain in her soul of choosing sides, was too much for her to bear.
One day my oldest daughter came home sharing with me about her dad’s new friend. She told me that she was very nice, pretty and smart. Then she asked me a very strange question, “Mom…..is it okay if I love her”? I was sort of surprised that she would ask me that question. Why was she seeking to gain permission from me? I stopped and reassured my daughter that she could love anyone she wanted to love. I found out later one of the reasons why my daughter loved her so much. She would warm up the syrup before she poured it on the pancakes. How blessed I was to know this person loved my daughter enough to take the extra time to warm the syrup!
If your child is having a hard time, seems confused as to what to do with the new parent or potential parent in their life. Please, step-up to the plate, swallow your pride and offer the support and the kind words of our Mighty God. Be grateful, the new “influence” loves your child. You may not understand it now, but you’re teaching a lifestyle to that child. John 13:34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
If the Word was God, than how can the plural sense, “words” be so harmful? Do we sometimes forget?
During the beginning stages of our custody battle, words were used often and flippantly. Many words that would come back into our home were shocking and laced with pain. Knowing that the children had been coached, we learned to pray through the comments and lean on God’s direction. Even as innocent as some comments may be, the children in the midst of being transformed to alienate, would remain loyal and attack us with the words. As Godly parents, it was our responsibility to get the children back on the right track. We defined the time as a “detox period”. Slowly giving them time to readjust back into our home. Below is a short list of the "word battles" during the readjustment time:
You don’t have to listen to them; they’re not your real parents.
You're not going to have fun over there, I don't know why you even want to go.
That’s not home, this is your home. You just visit over there.
He doesn't really love you anymore; he only comes to visit you because the courts force him to spend time with you. He only loves his new family.
The minute you get over there call me. I want to know you’re safe!
You better tell me everything they said about me.
I can’t buy that for you, your dad doesn’t give me any money.
He doesn’t care about you or us.
You’re so stupid to believe they care about you.
I hate you…you act just like your dad!
Our detox time was difficult. Often the grandparents on the other side alienated them as well. With the kids returning home, you could see the confusion as they had a strong sense of trust with the grandparents. "Mee Maw and Pee Paw used to love you daddy, why do they tell me you don't love me anymore?" "Daddy, why do I have to call you Mark now ?" With the entire extended family joining in on PAS, Amy never could adjust. The retching pain in her soul of choosing sides, was too much for her to bear.
One day my oldest daughter came home sharing with me about her dad’s new friend. She told me that she was very nice, pretty and smart. Then she asked me a very strange question, “Mom…..is it okay if I love her”? I was sort of surprised that she would ask me that question. Why was she seeking to gain permission from me? I stopped and reassured my daughter that she could love anyone she wanted to love. I found out later one of the reasons why my daughter loved her so much. She would warm up the syrup before she poured it on the pancakes. How blessed I was to know this person loved my daughter enough to take the extra time to warm the syrup!
If your child is having a hard time, seems confused as to what to do with the new parent or potential parent in their life. Please, step-up to the plate, swallow your pride and offer the support and the kind words of our Mighty God. Be grateful, the new “influence” loves your child. You may not understand it now, but you’re teaching a lifestyle to that child. John 13:34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Parental Alienation
This blog is created and dedicated to my step-daughter Amy Leigh Morris who left us once through a horrible custody battle September 1992 and physically in June 2007. We have an odd story that contain many lessons and advice for struggling step-mom & dads. But first, allow me to introduce you to a tactic from Satan that tried to ruin our life.
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a very common tactic that is used during many custody battles. It is defined in my words as deliberately alienating a child from the other parent to gain leverage in a custody battle. If there is no custody battle, sometimes it is used just to make sure the child is loyal to one parent. In our case it was my husband's ex-wife that couldn't deal with his life going forward. Divorced for several years, we met and eventually married. Our union blended us and four children into a new family. We have always encouraged love, hope and faith in our household. Constantly teaching the children as we blended, it's okay to love. It's okay to love both mom and dad as well as step-mom or step-dad. No choices to make or sides to pick, love is free for everyone. Sadly, some adults never get past the rejection from their previous spouse. The scorned parent then sets out to ensure some form of rejection/pain for the "happy parent". Using the children to "get back at them", Parental Alienation Syndrome is born. My hope with this blog, is to introduce you to both deliberate and vague techniques of PAS, and to offer you hope that with God's power you will survive.
Satan is alive in both Christian and non-Christian homes. In our case, we were Christians and the "ex" was not. How did we survive? How did we protect the other children from this awful experience? It was a very painful experience. Losing a child two different times once to abduction and then to death. No sibling, or parent should have to experience that magnitude of pain. Ripping a family apart by taking one child, leaving the other, trying to make sense of it all is difficult. My husband and I claim scripture Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose". (NIV) as our verse, because we can only hope that our experience will stop Parental Alienation Syndrome forever--For Amy's Sake.
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a very common tactic that is used during many custody battles. It is defined in my words as deliberately alienating a child from the other parent to gain leverage in a custody battle. If there is no custody battle, sometimes it is used just to make sure the child is loyal to one parent. In our case it was my husband's ex-wife that couldn't deal with his life going forward. Divorced for several years, we met and eventually married. Our union blended us and four children into a new family. We have always encouraged love, hope and faith in our household. Constantly teaching the children as we blended, it's okay to love. It's okay to love both mom and dad as well as step-mom or step-dad. No choices to make or sides to pick, love is free for everyone. Sadly, some adults never get past the rejection from their previous spouse. The scorned parent then sets out to ensure some form of rejection/pain for the "happy parent". Using the children to "get back at them", Parental Alienation Syndrome is born. My hope with this blog, is to introduce you to both deliberate and vague techniques of PAS, and to offer you hope that with God's power you will survive.
Satan is alive in both Christian and non-Christian homes. In our case, we were Christians and the "ex" was not. How did we survive? How did we protect the other children from this awful experience? It was a very painful experience. Losing a child two different times once to abduction and then to death. No sibling, or parent should have to experience that magnitude of pain. Ripping a family apart by taking one child, leaving the other, trying to make sense of it all is difficult. My husband and I claim scripture Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose". (NIV) as our verse, because we can only hope that our experience will stop Parental Alienation Syndrome forever--For Amy's Sake.
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